How we are unintentionally ruining our kids’ self-esteem

Inspiration for this post can unexpectedly. A few weeks ago, I asked my girls at the gym two simple questions. The questions were:

1. What weighs heavy on you? 

2. What is the one thing for which you are proud of yourself?

Ninety percent of the "I am proud" answers and a good bit of "what troubles you" answers were related to getting a good grade. 

This left me quite baffled. And I will explain why.

I am going to preface this by saying that I am aware that good grades are needed to get into further education. However, I will not get into the unfortunate discussion (and it's only unfortunate because everyone seems to be ignoring it) regarding the fact that higher education does not guarantee anything, a job, a good life, happiness or, ultimately, fulfillment. 

First, not every person is meant to be an academic or excel at academics. This is a well known truth, I thought. Most grownups are aware of this, I thought. So why are these kids being taught to feel bad if their grades are not stellar? 

Second, grades are relative measurement of one's intelligence, ability to reason/think, and they're absolutely no measurement of one's character. 

Also, it's important to say that good grades also don't necessarily translate in effort - some kids can make good grades effortlessly while others have to put in an immense amount of work and effort. Also, somebody that cheats may get rewarded by a good grade, while one being honest/ hard working may not.

If one's value is determined by their grades, then what happens if they are just not capable of making them or if they are perhaps genuinely not interested in the subject that's being graded? It is natural that this will affect self esteem in a negative way. And the e drop in self esteem inevitably leads to unhealthy, negative thought processes: I am not good? I’m a failure. I’m dumb. I am a disappointment for my parents.

It is very rare that one person is good at everything. As education moves from rather simple (in elementary school) to more complex (high school and college), interests, talents and natural inclinations start to show more. What happens to kids who are really not interested in learning grammar or math but who have great talent and interest for art, music, or any other subject that is not being graded in school? 

Just to be clear, I am not saying to go and make poor grades if you are capable of doing better, but I think that, for the reasons I just mentioned, the current system is rather flawed because it's not flexible enough to work with and ultimately help every kid. Kids are made to memorize historical dates or any other similar information, which in this day and age and with current technology is more than redundant.

In my mind, values like respect for others, kindness, character, positive impact, finding an individual path and purpose are way more important, but are severely neglected by the current system.

Some people will say that it's not a school's job to teach anyone character or kindness, that it's the parents' job. I say that these values, the ones that pertain to one's humanity more than their calculation or memorization abilities, are so crucial and so hard to upkeep that multiple sources of instruction, guidance and support are necessary. School, parents, coaches, mentors all have a role in this.

People talk about making a change and building a better world all the time. The only way to do this is to find a way to elevate everyone and teach them how to be great in their own way and with their own God given talents, not just certain groups or personality types. 

Ultimately, education was meant to uplift, not bring anyone down.